Grieving and Loss

On September 15th I found out the best news. I was going to be a mother and Matt was going to make the best father. I was wary to spread the news but I did need and want to tell my own mother. I waited until September 20th, her birthday. I called her with the news that she was going to have another grandchild and elated she was. We waited until the twenty eighth to tell Matt's parents and grandfather over dinner. Again, our family members couldn't be more happy. The next day we had our first doctors visit. We were handed informative flyer after informative flyer and all the while we had huge smiles across our faces. We left after scheduling our first prenatal visit for October 9th.

We spent this time dreaming up baby names and making lists of things we needed to do. I even went thrifting for some gender neutral baby clothes. We even had two weeks of barely there baby bump photos stored on my phone. I told my siblings and Matt told his. We were so excited and everyone was so happy for us. We were going to save the news to share with everyone else until after the first trimester was over. We had all of these plans!

And then on Saturday, October 4th I was woken from a nightmare in which I was having a miscarriage. I wasn't feeling very well and went to the bathroom to find that I was bleeding, very badly. I called my doctor who urged us to go to the emergency room for fear that I was not only having a miscarriage but that I may have an ectopic pregnancy. After nearly four hours in the ER we were sent home with more questions than answers and were told that there was no embryo in my uterus but a cyst like mass on my right ovary, a very rare form of an ectopic pregnancy. We were told to contact my doctor on Monday morning to have it removed through a drug injection that would abort the baby and if need be I would undergo surgery.

I cried for hours, made a few different phone calls, and stayed curled up in a ball all day in emotional and physical pain. I was angry and am still angry as it doesn't matter how healthy or unhealthy you treat your body during pregnancy, something can always go wrong. I am angry that I did everything I was supposed to after finding out I was pregnant and there are women out there who smoke, drink, and do all sorts of things while pregnant and are still able to have a child with out issue. I think I will always be angry about this but I will move on.

Not long after the miscarriage I had to resign from my teaching position for personal reasons. I was distraught over the situation and nervous I wouldn't be able to find another job. I have started working as an engraver at a local trophy shop and am actually enjoying this new adventure. I do not have the stress and frustration of dealing with teenagers day in and day out and I'm creating a product with my hands which is something I need to do. I think I will even start drawing more as I don't have to create example projects for students anymore. I am going to take my lemons and make lemonade in these next few months.

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